Friday, September 29, 2006

Extreme Cell Phone Self-Abuse And Murder

You see them everywhere, creating traffic congestion and accidents as they relentlessly jabber on their cell phones. They are so caught up in their conversations they don’t move when the light turns green. They will even stop at an intersection during a green light in hope that it will turn red so they can dial yet another number.

What is the urgency for all these phone calls? I’m sure only a small percentage of cell phone self-abuser’s calls involve life, livelihood or anything important at all. The worst offenders seem to people without a job that requires they be so connected.

I recognize the need for the cell phones and wonder how we ever did without them. We now have an entire generation of people that don’t have a clue about the days when every telephone came with a cord tethering them to some wall.

The experience of searching for a phone booth in a driving rain is something our 20-somethings will never know. Clark Kent’s secret identity would be endangered today without the phone booths he used to transform into Superman.

When I was last in India I discovered that the shoeshine boys and even my elephant driver had cell phones. Cell phone self-abuse is Global malady.

Lately I’ve been getting a perverse pleasure out of seeing frustrated cell phone self-abusers getting on my elevator as their cell phone call is dropped as the signal fades.

If you fall into this hopelessly connected category please seek therapy. If you don’t we all may see a new kind of serial killer arrive on the scene, The Cell Phone Assassin! He hunts for people yakking on cell phones and kills them.

Can you imagine the above the fold banner headlines there’d be? A new panic will strike America. Perhaps with a little help from the Cell Phone Assassin, we can reduce accidents and get traffic moving for a change. One thing for sure all drivers would be more attentive. Out of the carnage something new and wonderful would develop in America, cell phone discretion.

Here are some very important cell phone calls originating in L.A.'s trendy Westwood area today. Sit back for a moment and imagine just how important all these calls really must be.


Anonymous said...

Okay Paul. we got your number! If any cell phone users are killed by snipers we're comming after YOU!

leomemorial said...

My favorite annoying cell phone users are the ones who find it necessary to have conversations in restrooms. Yep. Nothing like heading to Target and phoning Auntie Em in the stall just to let her know you are "thinking of her..."

Kathy said...

Using a mobile in cars has been banned in the UK. Although it doesnt stop people walking round with their hand permanently stuck on the side of their face, at least it should, hopefully cut down on the number of people driving with one or no hands on the wheel.