It is time for a little satire on the FBI, I couldn’t help myself!

J. Edgar Hoover clung to the FBI director’s chair like a barnacle on a battleship from May 10, 1924, until his final micromanaging breath on May 2, 1972, a nearly 48-year reign of wiretaps, blackmail, and stylishly ominous fedoras. He outlasted eight presidents, proving that he didn’t just serve under them he obviously had dirt on all of them:

1. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) Probably too quiet to be blackmailed.

2. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) No relation, but still got bossed around.

3. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945) Tried to rein him in. Failed.

4. Harry S. Truman (1945-1953) Called the FBI a Gestapo. Not wrong.

5. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) A general, yet still no match for J. Edgar’s dossiers.

6. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) Well let’s not get into that.

7. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969) The only guy who might have been as ruthless as Hoover.

8. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) Paranoid, but Hoover was two steps ahead.

Hoover was the ultimate deep-state puppet master, holding onto power with an iron fist and an extensive collection of blackmail files. His FBI wasn’t just a law enforcement agency it was a PR machine that turned G-Men into crime-fighting legends, all while Hoover made sure Hollywood knew who the real boss was.

And then he died.

Since then, the FBI has gone from fedoras, trench coats and Tommy guns to a rainbow-colored clown parade of bureaucratic diversity hires and woke HR memos. Once the nation’s top communist hunters, they’re now the official political hit squad for the Democrat Party. If you’re a Clinton, an Obama, or a Biden, congrats the FBI is your personal cleanup crew. If you’re a political opponent? Well, expect an early morning raid with CNN mysteriously on-site.

The days of square-jawed agents taking down mobsters and spies are long gone. The FBI is now a flaccid, metrosexual bureaucracy that couldn’t bust a jaywalker without checking first if it’s a protected class. Hoover may have been a tyrant, but at least he ran a competent one. Now? It’s just a taxpayer-funded joke that gets less funny every day.

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