Wfell, folks, it finally happened—TikTok is offline, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. TikTok was a platform that brought us cringe-inducing dances, questionable life hacks, and the soul-sucking horror of vertical videos. Seriously, who decided that filming through a keyhole was the way to go? I get it, everyone’s glued to their phones, but have we forgotten that screens can turn sideways? It’s not hard, people. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: the drama behind TikTok’s shutdown. The official story is that we were worried about the Chinese government using it to spy on us. Because apparently, seeing Becky from Iowa lip-sync to Taylor Swift is a matter of national security. But really, why would the Chinese bother with TikTok when they could probably just hit up Hunter Biden for a discount on classified intel? The guy’s got a laptop full of goodies, after all. Throw in Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden, and you’ve got a discount espionage dream team. Who needs...