As a criminal defense investigator I have recently been thrown into the circus ring with defendants who decided they were too smart for actual lawyers. They have traded seasoned legal counsel for the thrill of playing Perry Mason in their own courtroom disaster. My hands are tied by court rules that forbid me from giving legal advice which is a shame because watching these self appointed geniuses argue motions is like watching a monkey try to do brain surgery with a spoon. I am not a lawyer but I have been around enough winning defense motions to recognize the difference between skill and self destruction. My law degree is strictly from the Monkey See Monkey Do School of Jurisprudence.
The big problem with pro per defendants is they have no idea how to argue properly. I have watched jailhouse lawyers lose motions they could have won simply because they did not think to put a single witness on the stand supporting their position. Instead they mumble through their points like they are reading bad karaoke lyrics. It is painful. It is tragic. I can only watch them crash and burn.
Also, if they do not object at trial you’re precluded from arguing those issues in their various appeals.
When you are facing criminal charges choosing a lawyer if you can afford one is no walk in the park. Some are brilliant some are awful and the public defender lottery is just that, a gamble. You might get the Perry Mason of the courthouse or you might get a guy who could not win an argument with a traffic cone.
The best lawyer I ever worked with was a legend. Brilliant in court, lethal to the prosecution, and utterly intolerant of his clients bad judgment. He would warn them once maybe twice and then drop them like a bad habit if they ignored him. His bedside manner was a disaster but his courtroom results were gold. We won case after case. Unfortunately two packs of Camels a day did what the prosecutors never could, they killed him at 68.
Even the worst attorney is better than no attorney. Because here is the dirty little truth, even lawyers who get caught with their hands in the cookie jar are smart enough to hire a lawyer when they are in trouble. They know better than to try this suicide mission called self representation.
If you are charged with a crime and think you can outsmart the system on your own, you are a lamb walking to your slaughter. The courtroom is not a place for amateur hour. It is a battlefield where even seasoned lawyers get bloodied. Hire one. Beg, borrow, or pawn your soul if you have to. Because if you insist on representing yourself, the only opening statement you will need is “Your Honor, I would like my prison cell on the sunny side.”
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